It's Not About Me

I've been stuggling alot lately, with the spirit of depression hanging over me. It knocks at my mind, biting at my thoughts, and tearing at my soul. My immediate reaction to try and rid myself of this feeling is, I must try and do more for God. Maybe if I post a status on facebook today about, 'how good God is,' I might feel better. Or let me just go do some good deeds, I'm sure that will help my fight against this attack. My focus has shifted, and it has become the love of law, and not the law of love. Instead of drawing closer to God in relationship, I try rather please him by my actions. An outward expression, for an inward need. It doesn't work, and I can't understand why. "I'm doing all the right things. Aren't I God? Why do you feel so far from me." It is now more about what I can do for God, and not what God has already done for me. I lose the realness of the relationship, and it's now mere discipline and habit, rather than longing and love. My words are still there, my prayers sound all proper. Yet there is no heart behind what I do and say, because it's coming from my mind and not my spirit. And what I've found in my own life, is that it can only last so long before you eventually crack, and your true colours start to show. We can't pretend forever, to be something that we're not.

It's not about how well I write, or how often I post. What I say or do. It's about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Through that alone, I become REAL in my love towards others. I encourage and uplift, because I want to, not because I feel that it's what I am supposed to do, or it's merely just the right thing to say or do. As I draw closer to Him, something from the inside starts to change. Life becomes a joy, and not a burden. Love overflows.

The entire story of the bible, is about a God reaching out to his people, and telling them how much he loves them, and wants to be apart of their lives. Over and over, he extends his hand out to us. Never ending and never failing.

The greatest love story ever told. You should totally be apart of it.

~ Written by Anastasios Konstantinopoulos

Replacing Your First Love

“But I thought you loved me...” She fell to the floor, her heart broken from the verbal beating she'd endured. He just walked away. She was shattered. Broken. Her head felt like it was spinning out of control, down towards an endlessly black pit.

He was her world. Her love. Her life... And now all that crumbled as the echoing slam of the door reverberated off the walls of her heart. As she lay there on the floor, a pool of tears forming, reflecting a pain words couldn't come close to expressing, she heard a whisper.

A sound so soft, so smooth. The piercing pain ebbed into numbness and time seemed to slow, bend, break and stop. That whisper...

“I still do.”

Her head lifted. Expressionless eyes staring into the darkness. The dying heart in her chest fluttered as the whisper continued.

“I still love you. You replaced me, but I never replaced you. You are still my first love, you are still my Pearl of great price.

Her shaking body stilled. Her tears, once pouring, now slowly ran down her pain paled face. The hand clutching her aching heart relaxed.

“I still reach for you with a gentle passion. I still hold my hand out to you. My love for you will never waver or die. I will never leave you or forsake you. Nothing you can do will cause me to stop loving you. Let me take your pain, let me be your first love again.”

She slowly lowered her hands to her side. Palms up and closed her eyes. A whisper escaped past her trembling lips.

“Forgive me.”

As the whisper died away, the dying light in her eyes began to glow as she embraced the love of her Father once more. Never again will she replace the love of her Father with someone else. He remained her first love. He remained her life, her world, her forever.
A gentle pressure under her chin lifted her head towards the sky. Her eyes trailing the empty room regained a light deep within their depths. This was her First Love. 

~ Written by Gina Botha

Rushing Through Life

"This sunset is just amazing! I wish I had my camera to take a photo of that!"

I wish I had my camera…

How many times have I said those words…? How many beauties have I experienced with that slight annoyance of not having my camera with to take a picture of it, wanting to view it later when I "had time" to explore the details of it…? How many times have I missed out on the true picture that God has been trying to show me…?

We live in a very fast-paced society, I get that, but don't you think that sometimes we get too caught up in it and miss out on what we're actually seeing? Like, we say; "I'll set myself a reminder to look at this later because I don't have time to do it now," or, "I wish I had this to make that last longer so that when I have time, I'll check it out later." Funny how when that "later" comes, low and behold, we're "too busy"… Again.

This thought came to me today while in the car, looking at the sunset and the clouds as I, once again, uttered those words; "I wish I had my camera." I realised, I was so distracted by that thought that I looked at the same cloud over five times, each time thinking it was a new cloud. That's when it hit me. This sunset's purpose wasn't for me to take a photo of, it was just a display of God's might and power, emanating warmth and beauty, all in one powerful, impacting moment and it was there for me to enjoy, to take it in and to fall in love once again with the power of our Heavenly Father. I had to stop worrying about how "unfair" it was that I didn't have my camera and focus more on the intricate detail of the sun's rays on each rise and fall in each individual cloud, the way the dying light cast long shadows in vivid contrast to the brightly lit details of that which wasn't cast in shadow and most importantly, that I was blessed to watch this wonder unfold before my eyes.

See, life isn't about "doing it later" it's about doing it now and doing it with attention and focus. We miss out on so many things because we just want to get it done now, that is, if we can't do it later. It's like, for example, you have 20min to make lunch, but, just because you want to eat now, you make a quick peanut-butter sandwich, regardless of the fact that, if you'd only taken the time to look in the fridge, you'd have found that there were bacon bits from that morning's breakfast, along with cheese and mayo. To think, you just missed out on a bacon, cheese and mayo sandwich, just because you wanted something now… How terrible is that thought?! I cringe at that possibility, and yet, it happens. All the time. Not necessarily that you literally miss out on the deliciousness of bacon on your sandwich, but apply that hypothetically to your life and think about it. How many details of your life have you missed out on because you were too distracted by focusing on the future or by something else? Or you just wanted to get something done now that you didn't stop to look at the possibilities of something much more amazing that God has waiting for you.

So, if none of this has got you thinking, I'll try one more question; Would you rather have a photo of the sunset or the real experience, a peanut-butter sandwich or a bacon, cheese and mayo one? You choose. 

~ Written by Gina Botha

Hidden In Your Heart

When the world was young, we were innocent. We were naked and unashamed. Glorious and full of life. Convinced. As we fall to our knees, we crave the calling to our inner-self. To be rescued. Yet we give in to paralysis and deny our very nature. We go passive. We are often enchanted falling prey to the lies of the enemy. Our confidence from above, we forfeit. The emptiness, nothing seems to replace. Relational heartache, with an urge to control our vast capacity for intimacy ever filled. We try to feed, yet are guarded. Our sense of security can only be found in His strength, from His grace, into the tender beauty, that invites to life.

Are we but merely fictional characters in a web of manipulation to our hearts convictions. Beneath it all, secure in our fate. We draw attention. Timid and afraid, we try to remain safe. Withdraw in our desolation, feeling appreciated to our thirsty hearts. Will our faithless indulging draw us closer to the father, or just to another nightmare of addiction. To numb our pain.

They've entangled themselves in our souls. So cruel and relentless, these sorrows of life. Imprisoned in chains, which seperates us from the heart of our creator. A lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fires of our selfish lusts for lifes' pleasures. They interwine the sacred romance in a fear of abandonment. In this dangerous and unpredictable world, our questions still remain. Taking us on a journey to the restoration and release, as we discover who we are.

We possess a beauty, so majestic, yet powerfully captivating. There's no sense of shame, as we've recovered our true state. Breathless moments in the dark, the triumph of His work. The masterpiece seems complete, awaiting the final touch. So intricate, so dazzling. Redemptive, this unbroken friendship. The essence of the most high. A name to behold, and something to be explored.

A radiance. Already there. Only hidden in your heart.

When Your Soul Hurts

Depression is something that I feel has followed me for the duration of my whole life, and I believe that it creeps up on and binds a significantly large part of the body of Christ. People are just too embarrassed to talk about it. The spirit of depression is a constant companion because more than any other state of being; depression is the one thing that keeps a person from progressing, or from doing anything at all. It keeps you stuck when nothing else can. And therein lies the danger of it, because it's very hard to get out of too. Sometimes I feel like saying to my fellows in depression that they're not alone, cos I think that it's hit all of us in a very real way at some point in time.

A lot of the times, the sad feelings stem from something that I like to call INSECURITY, which is also something that I happen to be an expert on, since I've had so many in my life. Most insecurity, and particularly spirirtual insecurity comes especially from comparing ourselves to others, which many times we do as we sit amongst the congregation. I know, because I used to do that all the time. It's natural for us to do that because inside us we really want to please God, and we see everyone else doing something, and when we don't do the spiritual things that they do, then we feel like a failure. Spiritual attack right there.

Then as soon as we go with one depressing thought, our whole world comes crashing down. But you gotta realise this...first of all, GOD LOVES AND ACCEPTS YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS, not because you do or don't do stuff for him. Secondly, God takes you as you are - it's like this epic quote that I heard once - "God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called". You have a massive calling upon your life that God will equip you for, if you are up to the challenge - because you're not gonna get there by just sitting around. There was a time in my life not so long ago where I was absolutely crushed because I was trying so hard to do the right thing, but I kept failing, and my attempts didn't yield the fruit that I was looking for, which was more intimacy with God. I'm gonna tell you the same thing that I kept hearing: that understanding, wisdom and a Christ-like life doesn't and cannot happen outside of your relationship with God. A friend of mine told me the other day,that sometimes it's not about trying, it's just about sitting and enjoying God. I was like, damn. That's so incredibly true. In running around trying to know what God's will is for us, we miss getting to KNOW GOD. Sometimes we're too hard on ourselves, because as  humans we are indeed human, and are bound to mess up and make mistakes. Failure only sets in when you give up on picking yourself up and carrying on.

I've started going through the bible in the mornings with commentary and stuff (I'm really slow but that's ok i think), and I'm still busy with the beginning of Genesis. Yesterday, I noticed that our introduction to satan; the first words to come out of his mouth were "Did God really say that?" - primarily, satan causes us to doubt and to question the word of God, which is also what he did when tempting Jesus. We gotta battle with the belt of truth, which is the bible, so that we can know what God's truth is for us. You are IMMENSELY loved, and have a special purpose, and are not a failure. I just think satan is trying to get you down because you're gonna become a dangerous adversary to him as a soldier for Christ. I also just think that we need to calm down and start enjoying God. Cos I really believe that he enjoys us.

~ Written by Anonymous

Dear Compassion, And A Gentle Reply

Dear Compassion,

You unnerve me, disarm me. You leave me feeling weak when all I want to be is strong. You make me feel like I’m standing in the eye of the storm wanting to reach out and get ripped up in the chaos just so I’d be a little closer to the mess I hope to be able to fix.

I dislike how you creep up unsuspecting and tread too heavily on my eyelids squeezing out what my mouth cannot yet speak. I like to be prepared for things – I operate as a forward thinker, with initiative and attentiveness, but you never give me time to plan in advance. You’re always just suddenly there. You run deeply and believe me, as much as I’ve tried to uproot you, I can’t get your claws to release their grip.

Cynicism and complacency are much easier to deal with; they’re distant, uninvolved and clean. You are messy. I’ll even have cheekiness and cheesy moments over you (and that’s saying a lot because I hate anything corny). I don’t know how to manage you. Can you be managed?

How is it that you can make me hurt so much for a stranger I’ve never even crossed paths with before? How is it that you can make me feel the pain of a person I barely know with aching intensity like their pain were my own? How is it that you can make me understand what it’s like to walk in another’s shoes when I’ve never seen their face?

I dislike how you can make my heart crumple with this feeling of… I’m not even sure what to call it! I’m overwhelmed (and I’m not just saying) by the bigness of these things I feel. I can be jamming along to the crappiest Alanis Morisette song and bam! there you are. Will you ever go? Days like today I wish you’d bug someone else and leave me to be self-absorbed and comfortable. Days like today I wish you’d leave my heart intact, unbruised by empathy. Days like today I wish you’d never come at all.

Yours in pieces,

Shae

●●●

Dear Shae

I am not here to keep you comfortable; I am here to remind you of Christ. My first priority is not to facilitate your complacency, but rather to stir within you something of the heart

of God for broken people.

I do not apologise for how much I cause you to feel hurt or how much I interrupt your day or how much I make you unsettled. I do not expect you to always fully understand me, but I do expect you to let me in. I am unwavering in love. I stem from the core of Christ’s heart – for both the saved and the lost; both are broken. I will not quit. I will not leave. I will not accommodate your self-pity when there are souls decaying faster than you can say “help me”.

Messy, is how I operate; stop complaining. Allow yourself to feel. Jesus’ heart broke for each person He encountered; His desire is that yours would too. (Heads up: if you’re driving and can’t stop crying, pull over.) This is how I operate:

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy…”

If you will only open your hands to hold something of the promise God has for you. If you will only open your heart to hold something of the ache that Creator God feels for His creation. If you will only open your eyes to behold something of the beautiful hope I give. If you will only let me show you.

I’m complex. I have many faces. I am not limited to time, place or space. I am furious. I am consuming. I am contagious. I do not relent.

I pray you’d see what I see on days like today. I pray you’d feel what I feel on days like today. I do not creep up to cripple you; I creep up to make sure I envelop and encompass you before you get defensive (especially on days like today). I pray you’d know more of Christ as I flood every fibre of your being. Let me in, child; let me in.

Yours in passionate pursuit,

Compassion

●●●

~ Written By Shae Leigh Bloem

* You can find more awesome, God inspired posts on her blog, at http://havemyword.wordpress.com/

Captivating

With the marriage of confusion, abundant with change.

Convenience left out, all trying to arrange.

Belief against our shame, biting at what we feel.

If nothing is different, then tell me that it's real.

Deepest doubt, it's me, I'm hiding in depression,

with something inside, no exposure, no expression.

Awaken my heart to the ache of a broken world. The rescue.

More than just some words, more than just, a bless you.

Captivating the soul, while unveiling the mystery,

the wellsprings of life, our beautiful history.

Look inside my soul, and hear the sound of laughter,

the joy of the Lord resides there, always and ever-after.

~by Anastasios Konstantinopoulos